


A Lovely Curse

by KnightlyErrand



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drugging, Gay Sex, M/M, Snogging, There will be sex, Unrequited Love, gay hate, i want to write it, small amount of child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-10
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-11 19:42:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1177122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightlyErrand/pseuds/KnightlyErrand
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius has always been in love with James. James will never notice. But what if there was a chance he could?</p><p>Excerpt:</p><p> </p><p>"How could you ever think I could still be your friend after this! I trusted you and you betrayed everything!"</p><p>"I wouldn't change it James… Not for you, not for the world. I'm a selfish man, and taking away my true happiness- yes, even as fleeting as it was, I knew that was true happiness- I would never change that. I'm sorry I hurt you, but that's the only thing I can ever be sorry for."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Casually posts. I'm so excited for this story though you don't even know. Sirius/James is one of my OTPs, like so much.

Sirius was always watching James. He watched his eyes follow Lily's and Snivellus' figures meld together in the spring grass, he watched James see the two sharing a scarf in the middle of winter. So Sirius Black knew the eyes of James Potter more than James could ever know his, best friends that they were. Just watching however, as both of them knew from experience, was incredibly lonely. 

Sirius didn't know what to call the feeling he had; he didn't know whether it even had a name, this shapeless twist of his heart. It certainly didn't sound like the whispered murmurs of words the schoolboys always played with at night when they thought teachers couldn't hear. Besides, you could only feel that way about a girl, not a boy. Not James. He definitely should have been watching Lily Evans instead. He never did, preferring the brown eyes of James' to the vivid green of Lily's. Sirius was so good at telling himself it was nothing but the eyes that drew him into a person it almost became truth.

It shouldn't have also been James' surprisingly muscular body and straight shoulders. He should have preferred the soft curves of a woman's body. But a woman's body could only enfold, not push in as he longed James to do to him. Sirius wondered in what way his pureblood mother would kill him if she ever found out about these heated daydreams. It was a blessing no one he knew was a legilimens or he would be damned. Even if he did catch Severus Snape looking at him strangely more than once or twice. 

"It's already close to our fifth year here! Time sure does fly fast. I wonder whether it's magicked." James leaned back against the window, blocking Lily and her companion from view. Sirius pretended not to notice how James' stretching caused his starch shirt to press up against his torso and swallowed around the lump in his throat.

He made a feeble attempt to answer, but it was clear James' mind wasn't on him anyways. It was resting in the spring field with Lily. 

Sirius had always wondered what would happen if he confessed. He believed it wouldn't go very well. James had expressed a level of contempt to the "gays" and still refused to speak to a boy who had come out months ago. Whatever he would say in answer to Sirius, it wouldn't be kind, he was sure. But his heart with its idiotic tendencies told him otherwise, that it would be different because it was him confessing.

His mind told him the truth; James would be disgusted with him. As it should be. Sirius wouldn't be able to deal with the backlash of the confession, so instead he watched. James' face really was handsome, all sharp lines and contrast. There wasn't a drop of femininity. 

So Sirius was unable to convince himself with lies because he knew the truth. Sirius Black was as gay as they came. The problem, as it always had, laid with avoiding James' attention in the matter. Luckily, James was dense. He was arrogant and believed more than half of the girls at school were in love with him, but he would never guess Sirius' feelings. It's better that way. Sirius could do nothing about it.

=====

"Quiditch match today!" A nameless Ravenclaw slapped Sirius' back. Gryffindor was up against Slytherin and everyone conjugated against the former. So Sirius had been receiving random slaps all morning. He was a Chaser, and although it didn't garner as much respect as a Seeker, it was still an important job to do in his opinion. 

James was surrounded, as he was the Seeker for the Gryffindor. He was practically preening. Although, he was often surrounded by people, come to think of it. Remus was trying to read, unsuccessfully by the look on his face. Peter was squeaking at someone next to him. All in all, a normal morning for the Marauders.

Sirius was just trying to pick at his bacon before the game. He got surprisingly nervous. Many people believed Sirius never felt any sort of negative emotion, joker he was, but he felt as much or more than the next person. His mother could be remarkably cruel at times, and he still bore such marks, emotionally and physically. But he believed laughing at the face of sadness was so much more noble than crying or feeling sad, so he did just that most of the time. Sometimes he broke down, and James was almost always there for him.

Sirius stood up abruptly, feeling a sudden need to be alone. He assumed it was his doggy instincts when he just needed space for certain moments. He called them spells, and only Remus and James knew about them. Remus took one glance spared from his novel and nodded understandably. He would explain it to James.

Sirius of course planned to come back for the game. He just needed a walk around the castle. There was still an hour before he needed to be on the pitch, so he let his walk loosen as he stalked the halls. The map was with James as it usually was, so he didn't plan to cause any trouble. It was relaxing just taking a break from the stress people put on him, even without meaning it. James always wanted him to do something in some form or another, and Remus he usually only talked with when James was around. Sirius liked people, he really did, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard for him sometimes. It made him truly glad he wasn't a Slytherin.

The dungeons were never a pleasant place to visit, but somehow Sirius found himself in the bowels of the castle. His feet must've taken him to class accidentally. Oh, the irony, for Sirius would've been caught dead before he willingly went to extra potions class. He found he was so bad it could've been classified as a new illness. It didn't help Snivellus was in the class and he was some kind of boy wonder at potions. Professor Slughorn never seemed to like him very much though, even though he was extremely talented and in his own house. Sirius assumed it was because of Snape's dirty blood. 

Slughorn can't claim to much, but he is talented at brewing certain potions, Sirius noted as he glanced at the private stores adjacent to the classroom. The door was wide open but the robust professor was nowhere to be seen. While certain complex potions were lacking, he made up for it with a myriad of youth and attractive potions young witches liked to use. Although I suppose there isn't really a big difference between him and them. Muffling a chuckle, Sirius' mischievous trait got the better of him as he snuck into the small pantry. Hidden behind a shelf of erectile potions, although for what use I shutter to think, was a small row of bottles labeled Ammortia.

Where have I heard that before? Sirius' eyes widened as he took in the obvious. A love potion. More disturbing than the erectile potion for its position, I should say. Sirius glanced at the little bottle in amusement. Of course Slughorn needed the love potion for more personal aspects. 

On a sudden impulse, he grabbed the potion, turning the oddly shaped bottle in his hand. Never know when you might need a potion like this, right?

He felt oddly comforted, and he returned to the Great Hall, prepared to face the Sytherins and anyone else who came his way.

Well, except for one. James Potter dipped his head slightly while listening to a companion prattle on about Quiditch, never noticing the gaze Sirius shot his way. He'll certainly never notice me, Sirius thought, thumbing the bottle under his robes. Surely he won't.

\-----


	2. Broken Necklaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, I'm so fucked," says Sirius. A summary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm ready

As long as Dumbledore controlled Hogwarts, Sirius believed the Slytherins would never win, for as long as Sirius had been there- close to five years now- they never had. It wasn't as though their team was awful either. Of course, it helped the Gryffindor team had some of its best players since the founding and Gryffindor himself played on the pitch sometimes. These people being him as a Beater, James, as one of the best Seekers he'd ever seen, and Remus as a Keeper. So it was little wonder none of the other house had seen the shiny light of the cup. 

Then again, if the snakes won the cup, SIrius felt they would have a large-scale riot in the castle, for the rest of the three houses would show a fit. There were faint whispers, especially in the Black household though he tried to ignore the family during the summers when he went back, rare those were, about some sort of Dark Lord, like Grindelwald had been. It made Sirius uneasy, but he doubted it would be much of a problem for him and his friends. Let the Purebred dogs and the Ministry take care of such a person.

But his uncle Alfred had become increasingly twitchy about the subject until his mother would barely let him in for any of the holidays, screaming blood traitor and murder from all the sections of the house. It terrified Sirius, to be honest. He began to stay with James' family to avoid the ruckus after third year.

He relied on James' help for almost every aspect of his life, and it made him scared to think what would happen to him if James disappeared. Sirius would probably be sent to prison or something for all the trouble he'd create in the void of his missing friend. Though he was the one who regulated James usually, he felt he could do some serious harm if he wished to. Not that he did, though Snivellus -who ranked between back way alley trash and fleas; being a dog animagus had some tortures- deserved it. It was another point of worry for Sirius how easy he followed James' orders, and indeed how easy it was to ignore what was right in light of doing something for James. It was dropping into the abyss, when Sirius walked with James. James seemed to emit the brightest light, but he truly was nothing but a vacuum in which he took the best parts of Sirius out and laid them aside, like a medical student picking out a cadaver's choice parts.

But as this was nothing but after-winning musing, for Sirius sat in the fire-lit common room nursing a firewhiskey some rowdy seventh years had brought in. The party was no longer in full-battle mode but instead contained tailwinds of snogging and alcohol. Lily Evans had left near the beginning with a snuff and a dagger-glance at James. She probably believed the popular Seeker and captain of the team he was, he organized the entirely illegal firewhiskey thing for his team. Sirius also believed this was likely accurate. Anything which went against the law was right up James' alley.

Sirius, as he began to realize as he gathered the tendrils of his floating mind, was hammeringly drunk. This was unfortunate, as it meant it was that much more difficult to get to his soft bed up the staircase. So indeed, he slouched in his plush chair, trying to pretend it was a bed. James had long since left to other corner of the room to song Patty Peningson, a detail Sirius was trying his best to ignore. He mostly just thought about how much he hated her and how she wasn't even pretty and how the boys just chased her because of her slimy body. Sirius didn't understand the appeal, but then again he was gay. But she had a knife-mouth to boot, and that was unforgivable for both genders.

So Sirius had to deal with hearing James' mouth suck on appendages he'd rather not think about and Patty's annoying bitch-whines. Sirius counted it a small blessing all the students under fifth year had gone into a alcohol-induced coma, many of them having their first taste of it tonight.

Even at the sweeping castle of Hogwarts, students still had to drink out of those stupid red and blue party cups, the ones with black Sharpie scrawl being a must-have. Sirius thought the officials should invest in better party-ware, but the students shouldn't have been having a party with alcohol at all, so he supposed it was fair they didn't.

A metre away stood James' red cup, his mess of a handwriting barely legible. The Sharpies had been passed out hours ago, so long Sirius' lethargic brain couldn't tell him when, and the cup had seen a lot of use since then. It beckoned in the firelight, the flickers against the cup's sheen almost passing as a raised hand in welcome.

The end table it was on was sturdy, a remark on how much the Gryffindors were trusted to vandalize the furniture. Made of real wood. Sirius couldn't figure out why the cup seemed so important. Maybe the table was, if only to use as a crutch in his journey to get to his bed. But his body knew better than his mind, or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, the forgotten bottle suddenly seemed a lot heavier in Sirius' pocket.

He could stretch to make the distance, or get up himself. No one would notice. Except his conscience, which was mysteriously dead for the moment, and his common sense which was thankfully more alive. Don't you dare, Black. He's your best friend and best friends don't drug their best friends. The bottle's weight grew steadily until it was a prisoner's ball chain twisting around his wrists. I couldn't stop this thing if I tried, he told the good part of himself. It's only telling you what you want to do, the reply came snappish.

His hand found itself in the soft fold of his pocket without delay. He didn't remember how or when. He would forever blame intoxication on how eagerly his legs rose and pumped and how quickly his wrist snapped the potion inside the cup. The cup held nothing but the dregs of a ill-advised butterbeer-firewhiskey combination. James and he shared the drink with disgusted smiles. It felt like he was destroying his friendship with a single flick and all he could think about was how handsome James had been as he laughed. But their bonds dissolved as the potion did. He hated himself and how weak he was for a broken-lust over James. But it was done, and Sirius glanced around his surroundings like the true Slytherin he kept bottled inside. Everyone was in various states of indisposal, so it looked as if he was safe.

James took this moment as a cue to disentangle himself with a wet smack from Patty and strode swayingly to Sirius, looking far drunker than he had a right to still standing. Sirius tried an easy smile- a hard feat but it was clear James' mind was on other, squishier things. James staggered and found the table, his eyes widening in comical surprise. "Look what we have here?" he slurred.

Sirius' breath tangled disturbingly and his nerves gave a jangle. The table tottered like a dying draggle and lay peaceful once more. James gave the cup his best cursory glance, something with a touch of survivor cheer. Sirius didn't understand until James tilted the cup to his lips and murmured, "One more to go! Down the hatch," and then it was too late.

Sirius wasn't sure until this moment whether it was a alcohol-induced wishful fantasy, but it occurred to him then this situation was frighteningly real. He had just drugged his best friend in light of some messed up lust and virgin fantasy. He was worse than Snivellus. At least he hadn't done it yet to Lily, and he was a potion genius. 

And therefore Sirius had a very terrifying flash of what James what do to Sirius when he woke from the potion. It would not be pretty. And he would deserve it. Dearly. 

And so James finished gulping the potion with a loud burp and a lopsided grin which soon faded to cloudy eyes and a blank expression. Sirius tried to keep his face neutral, but he was horrified. Those weren't James' eyes.

He had snapped a fragile bond, and unlike the Lily's plastic bead necklace he accidentally snapped in first year, he couldn't pick up the pieces. Everything was hell, but at least he would burn blacker for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to write gay sex scenes.
> 
> Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.
> 
> Also, get it? Blacker....
> 
> I don't remember Sirius' uncle's name exactly so...

**Author's Note:**

> I was planning for this to be longer, but it will just go into the next chapter.  
> Hoped you enjoyed!
> 
> Also crying because my Italics are picking up... (;*;)


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